Feeling GREEEEEnnnnn

I have just read a blog from my junior. I was jealous and at the same time i was glad that she has such a beautiful family. Wow, what a fun and loving family she has. Is it her blessings that she was borned in that way?
It has been one YEAR she left us, not exactly left but she went away from home after suffering for one year. Why would such thing happened to my family? I swear i have never ever thought that we would be like this. I bet no one had.
Home, which supposed to be warm and safe, where everyone feels happy and secured in home. But i ain't thrill to go home anymore, the phobia has grew in me. I hate going back to where i do not feel happy and I need to pretend that i am happy. I dislike the feelings where i need to hide my truth feeling and show the oh-so-happy coming back home. My home is just a place for me to sleep in if i need to go back. In fact i dont like to go back anymore. I don know how to face my dad and talk to him. I hate lying to him . I just hate everything..
I felt such a coward and useless. I am so useless. Everytime argument taken place, i wasnt dare to voice out my opinions or talked back. BUT i swearing and talking big during conversation on certain topics, mostly "IF I WERE YOU, I WOULD DEFINITELY ******" or "AIYO, you should like thiss.......ma!!!!" wtf, who are you? When its your turn to speak, you just kept silence???
I'm exhausted. I dont feel like continuing and fighting for it anymore. It seems like there is no hope that it would get any better. AND i dont want to see things getting worst. It just scared me off. Help me, what can i do? or tell me how it suppose to be? MY heart is beating fast, what the hell am i suppose to do?
.....................................GOD DAMN YOU.