I just came back from my first ever healing class today with teacher Ally. My coursemate met her during one of the crystal exhibit many years ago and somehow it just got me curious to find out about her website and I saw that she provides healing session.
Me being tired and exhausted from living without purpose. I traveled in and out of Miri, being away from LK for weeks for work and study. What is the purpose of my work? What is the purpose of my MBA? All I could remember was just trying to chase after the deadlines, arguing and debating, and trying so hard to look and sound smart. Portraying that I know it all, and I know the best for everything. Trying to just catch up with friends because I want to be a good friends. But I just don't fit in. Everyone is in a rush against time. But rushing for what?
I know for fact that oh, i'm going to be 31, and I need to conceive. Already went for consultancy and even undergone a laparoscopy surgery. But is it because I am getting old or the fact that I just want to fit in?
Workplace is toxic. I worry so much whether I said the right thing, whether I dressed formally enough, whether I appeared to be friendly, whether people like me, whether people talk back about me, whether I delivered what I said, whether I delivered to their expectations, whether the comment received were positive, negative or sarcastic, whether i will get along with the new colleagues, whether he meant it good, whether he was trying to go against me, whether ... so many stupid questions that stress me out. In the end, do I fit in?
Having question myself thousands of times in a day is not healthy, especially when I had to sacrifice my time away from family, my husband. I couldn't even sign up to a weekly yoga classes because I put my work the first priority. I doubted whether I should have started a family because I put my work the first priority. wtf. But it's true. I just got pressure into delivering the best for the company, to deliver results for my own resume....to prove that I fit in and see I am smart what.
I just came back from cardiology stress test. One month ago, I had chest pain. Well, it's felt like muscle pain but I just got a bit worry because the pain did not subside after two days and I went to the clinic alone because I was in KL for study/work. Done a ECG and the result turned out to be abnormal. There is extra heartbeat. So I asked to be referred to hospital for further check. Because it was Sat noon, I had to go to emergency just to get some attention. Cardiologist would have closed due to half day. So i went to Sunway hospital and got myself admitted for further check...all by myself. I did try to think whether I should ask anyone to come with me... but I did not want to cause panic or disturb their weekends. Trust was I did not know who to call. Doctor came and performed another round of ECG. Same results, abnormal heart beats. Then, he asked for blood test to determine whether there's a sign of heart attack. Well, LK was worried about me but I understand it's tough for him to fly in just for this unknown results. Fortunately I got negative result for the blood test, so heart attack was ruled out. The pain was probably muscle pull from my swimming...but the extra heart beat remains mysterious. The doctor suggested for further check with specialist. But I got a problem...I was suppose to go for study trip the following evening.
Decisions, decisions, decisions. Should I cancel my trip so I could go to specialist on Monday and why out the reasons with the ECG report. Or should I risk and proceed with the trip to India, which was always in my travel wish list? In my mind, I chose the second but LK was worried and would prefer the first choice but he could not accompany me due to work commitment. There's when I got furious and I told him I would rather had a heart attack in India than going for check up alone. There was no incentive for me to stay back. We got a deal in the end that I should go to India provided that the pain subsides the next day, which it did. So off to India I went.
I just got chance to went for the specialist after one month. Mainly because I know I am alright but also due to work and family commitment. I went to SJMC yesterday (alone). The doctor did said there was extra heart beat, a,a,a,a,b,a,a,a,a,b.... and suggested for a stress test to be performed. If the extra beat went away then it's fine. Fortunately enough, the beat went away and doctor suggested a last check next Friday which was to do echo test to scan my heart. So I think should be good lah.. The advise given was not to do extreme sports. Nods, alright doctor. No mount everest. No marathon.
So I went to healing class earlier and said most of the above. Teacher Ally asked me to draw 3 cards (not tarot. Tarot cards consisted of positive and negative cards, hers was positive of goddess and something else).
** I like to be with the nature. In fact being in Miri made me very happy with the garden and beach. I really really enjoyed my morning walk listening to the birds and greenery and blur sky and being constantly on the go (flights) made me feel insecure. It's neither grounded or heaven. I felt terrible and the unfairness treatment in the company made me lethargic.
1st card - Mother Earth / Mother Nature
2nd card - Fairness
3rd card -
** I am allowed to explore for my compassion and don't worry about my future. It's bright!
4th - Compassion
5th - love yourself
6th - Goddess - Bright Future
** I shouldn't be rushed and pressure myself for the things in life. I have to heal and find myself in order to find happiness. Scar from being a broken family + unhappy family since I was in my mom's womb left me a scar unconsciously and that needed to be treated before anything else.
7th -Inner child
8th -Know who you are
9th - Goddess Moon
10th - Similar to bright future -
After cards reading I went to rest on the bed and I felt aura and rich / mixed feelings. I imagined the times I was in the wood. in Houston cycling and exploring next road and greenery. the beach and water. the blossoming flowers. I felt great...and when I thought about my infertility journey I teared. Then I saw colors...dark blue and purple. It's very surreal because usually it was red dots or white.. but I saw it changed color especially when I felt the aura. It's beautiful. Of course, work came in and I tried to think of the consequences if I were to resign or left the company. I thought of my mentor and I said I wanted to seek her advise. Then I told myself to change the thought to happiness again. mother nature.
**closure - do not compare with others, it's own journey and find your own happiness and purpose. Once you can do that, you'll bear fruits and feel sense of completeness...
bamboo/ tree
fruitful (kai hua jio guo)
Puzzle of child - completeness
it's beautiful out there.
I am still thinking about the whole experience and I wanted to write down so that I can revisit this again later, whatever decisions I made in months to come. Whatever decisions I made, god, please protect and guide me to happiness and purpose in life.
Amen.
Me being tired and exhausted from living without purpose. I traveled in and out of Miri, being away from LK for weeks for work and study. What is the purpose of my work? What is the purpose of my MBA? All I could remember was just trying to chase after the deadlines, arguing and debating, and trying so hard to look and sound smart. Portraying that I know it all, and I know the best for everything. Trying to just catch up with friends because I want to be a good friends. But I just don't fit in. Everyone is in a rush against time. But rushing for what?
I know for fact that oh, i'm going to be 31, and I need to conceive. Already went for consultancy and even undergone a laparoscopy surgery. But is it because I am getting old or the fact that I just want to fit in?
Workplace is toxic. I worry so much whether I said the right thing, whether I dressed formally enough, whether I appeared to be friendly, whether people like me, whether people talk back about me, whether I delivered what I said, whether I delivered to their expectations, whether the comment received were positive, negative or sarcastic, whether i will get along with the new colleagues, whether he meant it good, whether he was trying to go against me, whether ... so many stupid questions that stress me out. In the end, do I fit in?
Having question myself thousands of times in a day is not healthy, especially when I had to sacrifice my time away from family, my husband. I couldn't even sign up to a weekly yoga classes because I put my work the first priority. I doubted whether I should have started a family because I put my work the first priority. wtf. But it's true. I just got pressure into delivering the best for the company, to deliver results for my own resume....to prove that I fit in and see I am smart what.
I just came back from cardiology stress test. One month ago, I had chest pain. Well, it's felt like muscle pain but I just got a bit worry because the pain did not subside after two days and I went to the clinic alone because I was in KL for study/work. Done a ECG and the result turned out to be abnormal. There is extra heartbeat. So I asked to be referred to hospital for further check. Because it was Sat noon, I had to go to emergency just to get some attention. Cardiologist would have closed due to half day. So i went to Sunway hospital and got myself admitted for further check...all by myself. I did try to think whether I should ask anyone to come with me... but I did not want to cause panic or disturb their weekends. Trust was I did not know who to call. Doctor came and performed another round of ECG. Same results, abnormal heart beats. Then, he asked for blood test to determine whether there's a sign of heart attack. Well, LK was worried about me but I understand it's tough for him to fly in just for this unknown results. Fortunately I got negative result for the blood test, so heart attack was ruled out. The pain was probably muscle pull from my swimming...but the extra heart beat remains mysterious. The doctor suggested for further check with specialist. But I got a problem...I was suppose to go for study trip the following evening.
Decisions, decisions, decisions. Should I cancel my trip so I could go to specialist on Monday and why out the reasons with the ECG report. Or should I risk and proceed with the trip to India, which was always in my travel wish list? In my mind, I chose the second but LK was worried and would prefer the first choice but he could not accompany me due to work commitment. There's when I got furious and I told him I would rather had a heart attack in India than going for check up alone. There was no incentive for me to stay back. We got a deal in the end that I should go to India provided that the pain subsides the next day, which it did. So off to India I went.
I just got chance to went for the specialist after one month. Mainly because I know I am alright but also due to work and family commitment. I went to SJMC yesterday (alone). The doctor did said there was extra heart beat, a,a,a,a,b,a,a,a,a,b.... and suggested for a stress test to be performed. If the extra beat went away then it's fine. Fortunately enough, the beat went away and doctor suggested a last check next Friday which was to do echo test to scan my heart. So I think should be good lah.. The advise given was not to do extreme sports. Nods, alright doctor. No mount everest. No marathon.
So I went to healing class earlier and said most of the above. Teacher Ally asked me to draw 3 cards (not tarot. Tarot cards consisted of positive and negative cards, hers was positive of goddess and something else).
** I like to be with the nature. In fact being in Miri made me very happy with the garden and beach. I really really enjoyed my morning walk listening to the birds and greenery and blur sky and being constantly on the go (flights) made me feel insecure. It's neither grounded or heaven. I felt terrible and the unfairness treatment in the company made me lethargic.
1st card - Mother Earth / Mother Nature
2nd card - Fairness
3rd card -
** I am allowed to explore for my compassion and don't worry about my future. It's bright!
4th - Compassion
5th - love yourself
6th - Goddess - Bright Future
** I shouldn't be rushed and pressure myself for the things in life. I have to heal and find myself in order to find happiness. Scar from being a broken family + unhappy family since I was in my mom's womb left me a scar unconsciously and that needed to be treated before anything else.
7th -Inner child
8th -Know who you are
9th - Goddess Moon
10th - Similar to bright future -
After cards reading I went to rest on the bed and I felt aura and rich / mixed feelings. I imagined the times I was in the wood. in Houston cycling and exploring next road and greenery. the beach and water. the blossoming flowers. I felt great...and when I thought about my infertility journey I teared. Then I saw colors...dark blue and purple. It's very surreal because usually it was red dots or white.. but I saw it changed color especially when I felt the aura. It's beautiful. Of course, work came in and I tried to think of the consequences if I were to resign or left the company. I thought of my mentor and I said I wanted to seek her advise. Then I told myself to change the thought to happiness again. mother nature.
**closure - do not compare with others, it's own journey and find your own happiness and purpose. Once you can do that, you'll bear fruits and feel sense of completeness...
bamboo/ tree
fruitful (kai hua jio guo)
Puzzle of child - completeness
it's beautiful out there.
I am still thinking about the whole experience and I wanted to write down so that I can revisit this again later, whatever decisions I made in months to come. Whatever decisions I made, god, please protect and guide me to happiness and purpose in life.
Amen.
Out of no where, I had a dream about u a few days ago. Weird! Hehe...
ReplyDeleteAnyway, you seem to be having quite a bit of a tough time over there. Hope you're fine. Well, that's silly. Of course, you're not fine. But hope you'll be better. It's a bit hard living in this busy world whether everyone and everything seems to be in a rush. My 2 cents, learn to relax. Meditation could be one of the best ways to do that. Don't underestimate the power of 10mins meditation a day. Just drop by to say hi. I don't think u'll see this anyway, but I write it anyway. Hang in there and try to love yourself more and stay calm. ;)